Jaz Brown and Mac Ryan devise a "simple plan".
I've already told this story to quite a few times but now that I have the intraweb on my side I'll never have to tell it again.
"Look it up on my blog...Jerk."
The Background: In October The Helpermonkeys went on our first full scale tour. 30 some odd shows in thirty some odd days. Needless to say it was fucking amazing. It just so happened that my birthday fell somewhere in the middle of our tour and because I have awesome friends my roommate offered to book us a hotel whenever we wanted as a birthday present. This is fucking invaluable when you've been crashing in "stanky-ass" punk houses for a few days.
The Story: So it was our first day back in the states from Canada. We played in St. Cloud Minnesota. It was a great show and the kids were helpful, amazing, and grateful for the bands they were getting in their fairly small town. We met Ben and his wife who had put together an amazing co-op style venue which was not only a place for kids to see shows but also a safe place to hang out, play video games and even go thrift shopping. Aside from being a great host and soundguy Ben had told us he could hook us up with some pot. It had been a few days since our last smoke so this was greatly appreciated. By the end of the night it was apparent that we wouldn't be able to find a place to crash so I put in a call to my roommate.
"Hey dude, this is Jaz we cant find a place to crash tonight so it would be awesome if you could book that hotel room for us."
"Sure dude, let me call you back."
A few minutes later.
"Hey dude, all the rooms were booked at the Motel Sicks So I had to book you a room at the Best Western. They were pretty well booked up too so the room might be kinda crappy."
"Hey man, a bed and a shower is more than we've had in few days so whatever it is we'll be happy."
Instinctively we cruise over to the crappy looking Best Western down the street where we find out we have no room booked in our name.
"Oookay I guess we'll try that fancy looking one down by the club."
We pull into the parking lot of the "fancy" Best Western and that's when we realize that this is the hotel where that godawful excuse for a band "A Simple Plan" is stayin for three days till they play their huge arena show. The huge tour bus is parked right in front and even more nauseating than that is the Scion they've got parked next to the bus which is totally plastered with there faces and pictures of the newest and most technologically advanced Nokia cell phones on the market. If that's not what punk rock is all about I don't know what is.
I head into the office to claim our room and come to find out that we did NOT have a crappy room at all. That sneaky son-of-a-bitch had booked us a 2 story, 4 bed suite. Now, had that been the coolest thing that happened all night we would have been fucking stoked.....But, it only got better from there. We grabbed our bags and went to our room. Craig and Jeff hit the showers and Mac and I thought it best to hit the bar and have some drinks....Like gentlemen. On the way down to the bar Mac turns to me and makes a brilliant point.
"Ya know, I bet they don't get alot of 'rockers' in this hotel. Just watch, they're gonna think we're A Simple Plan."
HHhhmmmm
The bar is pretty much dead. A few glassy eyed traveling execs but certainly no "rockers". Mac and I sit down and order two whiskeys. The bartender was disarmingly friendly. Usually, our "look" doesn't exactly garner that kind of service in a "normal" bar. What in definitely doesnt do is get us free drinks but this night it did. A few moments after buying our first round of shots our friendly bartender brings out another round and places the bottle between the two of us. At this point Mac and I looked at eachother knowing full well what was going on. So we sat there a while smoking, drinking and reveling in our new found "star status". Were working our way toward a nice healthy buzz when the bartender comes back over with two giant beers.
"Hey guys I just 'accidentally' poured these, you want em?"
You learn real quick to NEVER say no to anything free on tour. So we accepted the offer from our gracious if not slightly confused host. As we chatted with the bartender Mac, ever so subtly dropped the hint that he might be hungy.
"Well the kitchen's closed, but Ill see what I can do for you guys."
This is TOO fucking good.
About this time Jeff made his way down to the bar and was made aware of the con we had somewhat unwittingly stumbled into. Expecting some peanuts and pretzels we knew without a doubt what and who he thought we were when the food came out. A stunning spread (considering the kitchen was closed). A bread bowl with spinach dip, vegetables, a huge plate of nachos, oh and pretzels. More food than we had eaten in the last 3 days. Ben, his wife and a few of there friends showed up and were briefed on the situation.
"Help yourself to some dip."
I then realized we could ride this fucking gravy-train all night if we played our cards right. I borrowed Jeff's cell phone and stepped out of the bar for a moment. We couldn't keep this all for ourselves. I needed to contact the two bands we were on tour with and get them down there ASAP. In the few moments I was out Mac blew our cover.
It went something like this...
Bartender: So, does it cost alot to drive that big tour bus around?
Mac: Uhh, actually..... That's not us. Were in that little van over there.
The bartender surveys the veritable buffet he had laid before us, the empty pint glasses, the bottle of whiskey and walks away. Mere moment later he steps back over to us and curtly informs us that its last call and he needed to get out of there. The gravy train had been derailed. However, making our way back to our fucking suite drunk and full I couldn't complain.....Much.
Upon returning to our room Mac was schooled in the fine art of lying.
"Actually... I have no idea how much it costs to keep that bus on the road. Our tour manager handles all that."
"Look it up on my blog...Jerk."
The Background: In October The Helpermonkeys went on our first full scale tour. 30 some odd shows in thirty some odd days. Needless to say it was fucking amazing. It just so happened that my birthday fell somewhere in the middle of our tour and because I have awesome friends my roommate offered to book us a hotel whenever we wanted as a birthday present. This is fucking invaluable when you've been crashing in "stanky-ass" punk houses for a few days.
The Story: So it was our first day back in the states from Canada. We played in St. Cloud Minnesota. It was a great show and the kids were helpful, amazing, and grateful for the bands they were getting in their fairly small town. We met Ben and his wife who had put together an amazing co-op style venue which was not only a place for kids to see shows but also a safe place to hang out, play video games and even go thrift shopping. Aside from being a great host and soundguy Ben had told us he could hook us up with some pot. It had been a few days since our last smoke so this was greatly appreciated. By the end of the night it was apparent that we wouldn't be able to find a place to crash so I put in a call to my roommate.
"Hey dude, this is Jaz we cant find a place to crash tonight so it would be awesome if you could book that hotel room for us."
"Sure dude, let me call you back."
A few minutes later.
"Hey dude, all the rooms were booked at the Motel Sicks So I had to book you a room at the Best Western. They were pretty well booked up too so the room might be kinda crappy."
"Hey man, a bed and a shower is more than we've had in few days so whatever it is we'll be happy."
Instinctively we cruise over to the crappy looking Best Western down the street where we find out we have no room booked in our name.
"Oookay I guess we'll try that fancy looking one down by the club."
We pull into the parking lot of the "fancy" Best Western and that's when we realize that this is the hotel where that godawful excuse for a band "A Simple Plan" is stayin for three days till they play their huge arena show. The huge tour bus is parked right in front and even more nauseating than that is the Scion they've got parked next to the bus which is totally plastered with there faces and pictures of the newest and most technologically advanced Nokia cell phones on the market. If that's not what punk rock is all about I don't know what is.
I head into the office to claim our room and come to find out that we did NOT have a crappy room at all. That sneaky son-of-a-bitch had booked us a 2 story, 4 bed suite. Now, had that been the coolest thing that happened all night we would have been fucking stoked.....But, it only got better from there. We grabbed our bags and went to our room. Craig and Jeff hit the showers and Mac and I thought it best to hit the bar and have some drinks....Like gentlemen. On the way down to the bar Mac turns to me and makes a brilliant point.
"Ya know, I bet they don't get alot of 'rockers' in this hotel. Just watch, they're gonna think we're A Simple Plan."
HHhhmmmm
The bar is pretty much dead. A few glassy eyed traveling execs but certainly no "rockers". Mac and I sit down and order two whiskeys. The bartender was disarmingly friendly. Usually, our "look" doesn't exactly garner that kind of service in a "normal" bar. What in definitely doesnt do is get us free drinks but this night it did. A few moments after buying our first round of shots our friendly bartender brings out another round and places the bottle between the two of us. At this point Mac and I looked at eachother knowing full well what was going on. So we sat there a while smoking, drinking and reveling in our new found "star status". Were working our way toward a nice healthy buzz when the bartender comes back over with two giant beers.
"Hey guys I just 'accidentally' poured these, you want em?"
You learn real quick to NEVER say no to anything free on tour. So we accepted the offer from our gracious if not slightly confused host. As we chatted with the bartender Mac, ever so subtly dropped the hint that he might be hungy.
"Well the kitchen's closed, but Ill see what I can do for you guys."
This is TOO fucking good.
About this time Jeff made his way down to the bar and was made aware of the con we had somewhat unwittingly stumbled into. Expecting some peanuts and pretzels we knew without a doubt what and who he thought we were when the food came out. A stunning spread (considering the kitchen was closed). A bread bowl with spinach dip, vegetables, a huge plate of nachos, oh and pretzels. More food than we had eaten in the last 3 days. Ben, his wife and a few of there friends showed up and were briefed on the situation.
"Help yourself to some dip."
I then realized we could ride this fucking gravy-train all night if we played our cards right. I borrowed Jeff's cell phone and stepped out of the bar for a moment. We couldn't keep this all for ourselves. I needed to contact the two bands we were on tour with and get them down there ASAP. In the few moments I was out Mac blew our cover.
It went something like this...
Bartender: So, does it cost alot to drive that big tour bus around?
Mac: Uhh, actually..... That's not us. Were in that little van over there.
The bartender surveys the veritable buffet he had laid before us, the empty pint glasses, the bottle of whiskey and walks away. Mere moment later he steps back over to us and curtly informs us that its last call and he needed to get out of there. The gravy train had been derailed. However, making our way back to our fucking suite drunk and full I couldn't complain.....Much.
Upon returning to our room Mac was schooled in the fine art of lying.
"Actually... I have no idea how much it costs to keep that bus on the road. Our tour manager handles all that."
posted by JazBrown at 7:19 PM
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