The 8-bit generation

I was never a Nintendo child. I was never kept up til ungodly hours of the night by a drunk Italian in red overalls. Some people Im sure would insist that I missed out on what could have been known the greatest years of my life. These people are known as fucking morons. And Im sure that these same people would be horrified to find that not only was I not allowed to play with or own G.I.Joes but I also was not able to watch that steaming turd of a product tie-in cartoon. It would seem that my generation was endowed with the great honor of growing up with some of the most appalling cartoons of all time. However, Im not talking about cartoons Im waxing poetic on the marvels of being the first wave of the video game generation. Things were different in those days. It was a whole different world. You didn't just walk into the bedroom and flip on your GameStation 2 and flop on the bed. No. Just getting the game to work was an ordeal in itself. You see I owned one of the greatest "gaming systems" of all time. It was huge and brown (later grey) and it radiated an incredible heat amongst other things which Im sure contributed to what I would not be surprised to find is a near non-existent sperm count. It would sometimes take up to 10 minutes to load wonderfully primitive games which managed to entertain me for hours. I've spent many days of my life looking for a mordern game which would even come close to showing me a mere glimmer of what I loved about some of these games............Jesus Christ......Im a fucking geek...Im....uh...I....Better stop this right now.

Fuck Dilbert

Thats all...

ATTN: Product Developers

Dear Mr (or Mrs.) Product Developer,

Why does it have to be this way? I Dont want a smaller product. I dont want a smaller TV with a bigger screen. I dont want a smaller credit card that I can keep tucked under my nutsack. I dont even WANT a cell phone but if I did, I would NOT want one that I can fold up and stash in my asshole. I dont want a camera that I can drink in my coffee and use to take pictures of the inside of a woman's vagina. I dont want a anorexic heroin model girlfriend.
Also, If you get a chance could you make a tampon with some sort of silent wrapper? I'm so tired of pretending that women are in there unwrapping candybars.....Oh wait...You already did. America is fucking nuts and so are you.

My brain is all dirty.

Ive been rubbing filthy things all over it for too long now. Its taking its toll. Dipping it in experimental drugs, marijuana, alchohol, ungodly amounts of caffeine and cigarettes cant forget the cigarettes. Cheap ones that burn.

Hey Kids!!! Do you know what time it is?!

The light-hearted xylophone music announces my entrance as I run through the curtains onto the sound stage. As I make my way to the front of the stage I kick the guy dressed up as Billy the Bear in the back of the legs right behind his kneecaps. He drops to the ground clutching himself and moaning. I stand in front of the crowd and the television audience staring maniacally at all the horrified children. I yank down my colorful pants and shake my genitals at them screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs. The stage lights go off as security escorts me out of the building.

So the question is: should I sue jobpredictor.com?

Jaz Brown, Your ideal job is a Kids TV Presenter.

What its like.

I work at a comic book store. Its a good job. A fun job. The pay is absolutley appaling but what I do here really cant be catogorized as "work". I sit around and read. I watch movies and listen to music. I have found however, that the longer I work here the more I begin to take on the characteristics of one of the record store clerks from "Hi-Fidelity" or the guy that works in the movie place in "Clerks". The other day someone called looking for a particluar book. I told him that we had it but I wouldnt sell it to him. There was a prolonged pause on the line as my words sunk into his fan-boy skull. He asked me "why not?". My response was simple. "cause it sucks". Ive also found myself becoming more and more exasperated by most anyone who walks through the door. Dont they know Im trying to read in here? Dont they understand that Im trying to watch a fucking movie!? Do they not grasp the idea that Im one stupid question away from showing them their own internal organs?.....

How its gonna be.

I will blog. I will tell you things you dont want to know.